When They See a Gun They Kill You Right Away

Some years ago, I got a mysterious email from one Henrique Rivera, who ran the oldest private detective agency in Mexico City. 

Rivera was traveling to Boston to be installed as the new president of the World Association of Detectives at a gala event at the Park Plaza Hotel. 

Rivera lacked faith in his speechwriting and English language fluency and resolved to call in a pro. His online detection skills led him to Rocco Giuliano, whose LinkedIn profile seemed to indicate the required experience in the brutally competitive world of high stakes speechifying. 

After making initial contact, Rivera sent me a draft of his speech, which was actually well structured and nicely written. 

I told him I would tweak it a bit and then meet with him at the Park Plaza for a couple hours of coaching. 

To this he agreed, and a couple of days later I showed up as promised on the 15th floor. 

There is a lounge room in the 15th floor, we could work there in private.

Thank you again to make yourself available with such a short notice.

See you tomorrow.

Henrique Rivera, Director

Investigaciones Latinoamérica S.A. de C.V.

The room he’d indicated was a lounge of some kind, with a lone bartender polishing a glass and ignoring my attempt to penetrate the locked door. 

Rivera then emerged from a smaller office off the lounge and quickly whisked me inside. Apparently, he wanted no one to know that he needed help with his remarks. This seemed to include his wife. 

I spent two and half hours with him, during which he repeatedly warned me to “keep down my voice.” 

Early in the conversation, I realized that, despite my best efforts, no one was going to understand a word this guy said. But I plunged ahead, manfully rewriting (mainly to eliminate tongue twisters like “diligently”), coached him on delivery (I urged him not to scowl defiantly when making jokes about his secretary), and even read the entire speech into his voice recorder so he’d glean some rudimentary understanding of what spoken English actually sounds like.

Finally, exhausted by my exertions, I proclaimed that he was poised to deliver the most compelling presentation of the entire conference, and demanded a check for $500. 

He claimed that he didn’t have his checkbook (I suspect he didn’t want to leave a record of our dealings for his wife to find) and counter-offered $400 in cash (two c notes and four fifties). This I accepted, jokingly asking him if, since he packed such a large amount of cash, he was armed at all times. 

“Not in Mexico,” he replied seriously. “When they see a gun, they kill you right away.” This seemed like sound reasoning, as “they” are notoriously trigger-happy. I stuffed the cash into my pocket, shook hands with Rivera, made my way out of the hotel and disappeared into the night.